Through the shattered looking glass...

Me: Hello, Sandy. I... um... I kind of need a favor. (Well duh, Amira, you just said that in the subject...)
Anyways, would you be able to pass on one last message to Jack from me since he so graciously decided to quit Gaia before anyone had a chance to say goodbye?
I realize I seem a bit bitchy, but please, do this favor for me since you know him in real life and probably have other means of communication other than Gaia.

Thank you,
Amira

P.S. I'll send you the message if you say yes. I didn't forget! lol

Sandy: Hi
I will try, but I haven't talked to him in well over a month. The family has been going through a very hard time recently. And this time of year was bad for Jack before his granpa died. I will see what I can do.

Me: Then... never mind about the message. Just tell him goodbye for me.

Sandy: I just read what you wrote to him in the forum. Came down on him pretty hard don't you think? He's been going through a lot, otherwise he wouldn't have quit. He's a very sensitive person and wears his heart on his sleeve, and if he feels like he's hurt someone it totally tears him apart. I can only imagine what he must be going through right now.
I will tell him that you said goodbye.

Me: The only problem is I'm the same way, and the only reason he'd be tearing himself apart over me at all would be because he tore me apart by throwing away our friendship today. And that I cannot forgive.
Thank you for passing on the message. I... please, just... don't hate me. You and Jen are my only connection to him now, and Elizabeth already blames me and hates me for it. Please, please don't hate me. I don't think I could take it.

Sandy: I don't hate you, I don't even know you. And I am sure Jack doesn't hate you either, he's just not that way. In my opinion I just think that you really don't know him or understand him. He is a good person and he most definately is not a coward. He has gone through so much in such a small amount of time and he does so much for so many people. I am glad that for once he is taking good advice and reducing the stress in his life. I don't want to see him burn out.

Me:
I guess I will have to defend myself. No, I shouldn't have called him a coward, but he IS afraid. He's afraid of dealing with the problems that surround him, and since he's training in psychology, eventually he's going to have to learn to do that so he can help people. There's no way of avoiding it if he wants to do well in that field. I realize he's gone through a lot. He's told me about it all.
Which brings me to my next point. He really hasn't told you anything about me, has he? You may have known him his whole life and know him much better than I do, but don't take it for granted that I don't know him as well. I may not know everything, but Jack and I have gotten to know each other quite well over the past year and three months. We used to talk for 7 or 8 hours on end, and we got very close. Unfortunately, that seems to be his issue, that he got too close to me and regretted it cause he ended up feeling something and got scared. That's the short version of it. And that's why a lot of people in the guild hate me: envy and jealousy.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't know him, and everything he told me was a lie. I DO believe he is a good person, he just doesn't have the endurance to maintain relationships with people unless he interacts with them in real life. And I miss him. Quite frankly, I blame myself for everything even if its not my fault. I've put the last nail in my coffin, and it's nobody else's fault for what I've done.
I wish Jack did hate me, just so I'd be able to rid myself of any remorse at least a little bit faster, so that I could cry and get it over with. Not that I haven't already cried over him. I feel stupid in admitting it.
I don't want to see him burn out either, but I don't really think that quitting Gaia forever and not even properly saying goodbye to everyone is really the best thing. He could take a break and come back in the summer when school isn't a stress as much. But just... up and leave? I know he's hurting too, but so am I. And so are the other guild members, I'm sure.
Sorry for such a long message. I hope you understand my point of view at least a little bit.

Sandy: When I remarked about how I thought you did not know Jack, it was not ment to spur on a debate of who knows who better. Rather it was to show you that there is a lot more going on in his life right now than, yes, even you know about. He needs time. I talked to him tonight and he poured out his heart to me. I will not get into what he told me, all I will say is that he is going through a lot.
IF you were good friends with him, why then can you not be understanding and supportive? Excuse me for saying this, but your type of caring seems to be one based more on what you need and not what Jack needs. It seems a bit selfish. And calling him names and getting angry isn't going to help him or do anything to get him back any sooner.

Me: I have been understanding and supportive. I have tried my utmost best to be. This one event doesn't disprove that simply because I'm acting out of anger and hurt. Everyone has their bad days, and sometimes we can't control what we say and feel because its the truth.
I'm sorry to hear that he is going through even more than what I knew about, as if all of that wasn't enough already. It just hurt to hear that he was leaving because of... me, and what that said to me was that I was nothing more than a problem to him and that I needed to be disposed of, along with all the other 'problems' on Gaia.
Please tell him that I hope whatever is going on with him, that it gets better soon so he isn't so stressed. Even if he never comes back on the guild, I want him to be safe and happy. That's the only thing I can give him now.

Jack: Well I have been quite tired myself, a combination of things, stress, constantly going places, fighting another blasted cold...etc.
Glad to hear that your holiday was a good one.
So, you have a little brother and a littler sister? I thought you only had a little sister. How olds the brother?
Dark Knight was an awesome movie! Heath did a superb job, it's just too bad that he left this world all too quickly.
So, do you have any new year plans? My friend Dennis wants me to go to a party that his family is hosting. I just don't know if I'm quite up to it right now.
If I don't get to talk to you before then, have a great new years ok?
-Jack

Me: Hey, sorry, I was shopping with Ashley.
Yep, I have the habit of forgetting to mention my little brother. I don't know why... I guess I remember to mention my sister more cause she's practically me when I was twelve years old. ^_^
Yeh, it's such a shame about Heath. icon_sad.gif They were going to have Harley Quinn in the next movie, but since Heath died she got cut. I was so pissed! But I have a Harley Quinn shirt now. icon_smile.gif
A party, eh? Maybe you *should* go... it might help you to ease back into life as you knew it before this month's sad events. icon_neutral.gif Socializing is a good way to cheer yourself up, being with family and friends and just having a good time. But it's up to you.
By the way, I finally made a mini music video of the Joker that I still have to upload. It took me forever to make, but it looks really cool!

Jack: I don't know about the party, last time I went to one with Dennis he set me up on a blind date. I wanted to sock him one! Girl kept bugging me for weeks after...like I need that! And I HATE being put into a position of hurting one's feelings. He say's he'll never do it again...but he's that way...he would just to spite me. Daft buggar!
Let me know when you have the video done, I enjoy your work.
So how many brothers and sisters do you have? Three? Or are there more hiding in the broom closet or something?

Me: You know, you could just fly me over to go to the party with you and trust me, you wouldn't be bothered by any girls... cause their bodies would be in the basement I would... talk to them and convince them that you need your personal space. icon_smile.gif
I'll let you know when I have the video uploaded then. i'm thinking about completing it in a full length video, but I'm not sure. I have one little brother and one little sister, and Harry's in the broom cupboard, but we don't let him out ever.

Jack: Ummm....don't take this personally....but I really don't want to see any girls at all. I am seriously thinking of becoming a hermit. Seems the farther I try to distance myself from them, the more they swarm around me. I am getting a bit tired of it. *check guild to find Jack's solution to this problem* Seems as though art *Gaia* equals real life at times. *grins*
Harry's in the broom closet eh? Can I join him? Is that your brothers real name?

Me: Jack, come on, I was joking. I mean, at least you have members of the opposite sex interested in you. I might as well become a hermit as well for all the affection that comes my way from the world of guys. And that is not a snub at you, I'm just speaking of the lack of any action (and I don't mean anything dirty by that!) that I've had for all of what I can call my life. *sighs*
Anyways, my brother's name is Matt, not Harry. lol I was just making a Harry Potter joke. Couldn't help it. When you mentioned the broom closet thing, I just had to. ^_^
Alright... gonna check the guild now.

Jack: Ok, I thought you were joking about your brothers name being Harry...just had to confirm.
As for the 'unwanted attention' in my life...it can be a hassle you know. Especially when you are at a place in your life when you do not want to be disturbed. People *like my friends* just don't understand the commitment that I have made regarding my future. I have to put everything I've got right now into maintaining the GPA that I have accomplished thus far. Not an easy task. They *my friends* are constantly ambushing me with these sneak attacks, and whn I try to explain....ok, am on a rant, I apologize. I just need a break is all....just been too much stuff lately. And my brain hurts from all the coughing I've been doing. I should just head off to bed now.
You have a good night, and don't keep Harry in the broom closet for too long...he might turn you into a weasel or something.

Me: Perhaps you're putting just too much pressure on yourself with school and isolating yourself from doing anything other than sitting in front of a book all day. Jack... there are plenty of these I want to say, plenty I need to say, and plenty plenty plenty of things I *should* say, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now cause I know that it'll just stress you out more.
Anyways... I hope you have a good night, and please get better soon. Chicken noodle soup. Eat it.

Jack: Nope...I have a plan, and I do not defer from my plans. Plenty of time for a social life after I finish school. I am fine with that, why can't others be?
As for chicken noodle soup...I have had so much of it, I think I am going to pop. Thanks for caring though...much appreciated.
And, yup...I should be shoving off now. Need rest and am about ready to fall asleep across my laptop. Goodnight Amber....hope your new years is a good one.

Me: Just for your information, sometimes the plans we devise don't always work out exactly as we planned them, and sometimes the friends and family you have are more important than a number on a piece of paper that tells you you're king of the educational world. I realize that these past couple months have been hard on you, but you've got to make room in your life for relationships of any type. I care a lot for you, and it doesn't matter if you all of a sudden don't care about me that way anymore, but I really wish that you would go back to the way you were, when you told me that you would sit hours on end on the computer just to talk to me because you couldn't wait to hear what I had to say. That's the way we both were, but that's the way I still am: I hope every day to hear from you because it's what makes my day. You have a duty to yourself to do well in school and succeed, but you also have a duty to keep your sanity and if you don't have moderation in all things as the Greeks say, including social time or thinking about something *other* than homework and papers, then you're going to go crazy before you know it.
There. There's my rant, I guess I couldn't hold it in after all, and if you hate me for saying it, then so be it.

Jack: I respect your opinion. However, I have a set course of plans, and I am a person who is very set in his ways. It's how I have always been. I do have a social life, it's more with my family right now. Dennis is the only friend that I knew from when I was younger and he's a bit of a player. I'm not like him, he's not focused on what he wants, and doesn't really care. He's also flailing academically because he would rather socialize than study. This school is very demanding...my grandfather put in a good word for me here, he is one of the reasons why I am here. I can't just throw that away...and besides, I don't want to.
I also respect your feelings...and feel that I have to apologize to you. I think I may have hurt you, and that is something that I never ever wanted to do.
Ok, so...my brother got involved with a girl over the internet...which he met on Gaia. They talked for a long time, months. A few weeks back he took off to California, where she was from to go see her. He said he was happy and that everything was great. Then when he came back she told him that she couldn't keep up the relationship becaus eshe wasn't sure if she was over her other boy friend. She had failed to mention to him that there ever was another boyfriend. And now he is crushed. I have heard of many stories of people getting involved over the internet with other people and it seems as though it always goes wrong. So...I therefore have to stand firm on my decision to never get involved with anyone over the internet...and... to discourage my friends and family in doing so. Even you...it's not a wise thing at all.
I just want to come on here and have a little 'down' time...write my stories, see if my 'crew' need any help, and then be off on my merry little way. I don't want to see anyone that I care about get hurt, and it seems that everyday you hear of someone getting hurt this way. It's now a topic in Psych...Its something I have to stand for. I hope you understand.

So, the Jack Sparrow on Gaia wants me to make a music video for him, for a farewell to his crew.
I was thinking of a few songs, and here they are:

To Where You Are - Josh Groban



Remember When It Rained - Josh Groban



Prelude - J.S. Bach (Jack wants this one in particular, but it's not very... farewell-ish)



Same thing - J.S. Bach (full version)



Farewell - Within Temptation (my favorite choice so far)



Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli



Hands on Deck - Waking Ashland





Meh... it's like 1 am, and that's all I have the patience to search for right now. Oh! Reminder to myself.... "Midnight Hour" song lyrics must be written out soon. Yarrr.

Music videos I want to do for Pirates of the Carribean, meaning songs I want to use:

For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)- ACDC

Clock - Milla Jovovich

The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani

If You Ever Did Believe - Stevie Nicks and Sheryl Crow

Lift - Poets of the Fall

Headlock - Imogen Heap

Something AMV Hell-ish...

Lie Lie Lie - Serj Tankian

Beer - Psychostick

A Dangerous Mind - Within Temptation

The Time Warp - The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Ride on Shooting Star - The Pillows

Stupid Girls - Pink

You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record) - Marilyn Manson

I Walk Alone - Tarja Turunen (I wanna do this one especially for Jack, it seems to fit him)

Teardrop - Massive Attack

Shoes - LiamKyleSullivan (You know it would be funny!)

Tourettes Guy ('nough said)

It's Raining Men - Weather Girls (An ode to the hot guys of Pirates, or possibly a Norrie video for Betsie ;D )

Perfect Enemy - Tatu (Because I support Beckabeth! XD)

Dentist - Little Shop of Horrors (for Barbossa! haha "Toothpaste turned to ash in our mouths...")

Infected - Bad Religion

Black Holes & Revelations - Muse (I *think* that's the song's name...)

Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

Fake It - Seether

I'll think of more later.

~Alice~

As some people may know, I've been having some boy troubles with a guy named Josh.... who, frankly, is being an ass. My last journal entry showed those who were able to read it just why he is ignoring me. New developments include:

Both of us tried out for the musical at Ridge, but I did not get in. Josh did however, and I congratulate him. However, he hardly even acknowledged my existence while there. Now, out of the blue... he sends me this message over MySpace...

Subject: hey amber!
From: Josh

Feb 29, some time in the afternoon

I have a short scene to do for my directing class, and I was wondering if you would act for me? I am doing a bit from the 10-minute play "the man who couldn't dance." It is about a woman and her ex, and she is showing her ex her new baby. They eventually get to talking about them, and what happened between them, it is a dramatic piece. Just so you know, I don't know any male actors (and between u and me, the male actors at ridge are, well I know they won't take direction, specially from me. too arrogant) so I am seriously thinking of casting 2 girls for it. The one woman would still have a new fiancee and baby, but instead of an ex-boyfriend as teh other character, she will have an ex-girlfriend. Nothing risquee about it, no awkward contact. Just realism and emotion. If you don't want to, I totally understand. Look forward to hearing from you!

Me: ........*reading it*..........WHAT?!

And like the idiot I am, I sent back a message basically saying "Why sure."

Also, he has added a new song to his profile. Josh generally chooses songs that pertain to his situation in life at that particular time. His current song is Infected by Bad Religion. Her are the lyrics:

Now here I go,
Hope I don't break down,
I wont take anything, I don't need anything,
Don't want to exist, I can't Persist,
Please stop me before I do it again,
Just talk about nothing, let's talk about nothing.
Let's talk about no one, please talk about no one, someone, anyone.

You and me, have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me,
I'm afflicted, you're addicted,
You and me, you and me.

I'm on the edge,
Get against the wall,
I'm so distracted,
I love to strike you,
Here's my confession,
You learned your lesson,
Stop me before I do it again,

Just talk about nothing, let's talk about nothing.
Let's talk about no one, please talk about no one, someone, anyone.

You and me, have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me,
I'm afflicted, you're addicted,
You and me, you and me.

You're clear - as a heavy lead curtain want to drill you - like an ocean,
We can work it out, I've been running out, now I'm running out.
Don't be mad about it baby.

Yeah yeah yeah,
Yeah yeah yeah,
Yeah yeah yeah,
Yeah yeah yeah,
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

You and me, have a disease,
You affect me, you infect me, (I wanna tie you, crucify you)
I'm afflicted, you're addicted, (Kneel before you, revile your body)
You and me, have a disease (We're made in heaven),
You affect me, you infect me, (I want to take you, I want to break you)
I'm afflicted, you're addicted, (Supplicate you, with thorny roses)
You and me, have a disease (are incurable),
You affect me, You infect me, (I want to bathe you, in holy water)
I'm afflicted, you're addicted, (I want to kill you, Upon the alter)
You and me, you and me.

I'm probably reading way too much into this, which I hope I am. Cause 1) I don't want to be considered a disease to anyone just because of my feelings for them, and 2) the whole rest of the song creeps me out. Oh well. I have no idea what's going on really. I don't know what to do anymore. So... I think it's best if I just forget all about being anything with Josh whether it be boyfriend/girlfriend or friends or whatever. I don't understand him after all. I know nothing about him, and I thought I did. But hey, we all make mistakes. I just made a big one, that's all.

Laters,
Alice

I finally found out why Josh was avoiding me. Here are a series of messages sent back and forth that will hopefully explain.



From: Rosa
Date: 18/02/2008


Then... why are you blowing me off, so to speak? I know you said you don't want to get into it but...

Well, when *would* you feel comfortable telling me? If it's because you just plain feel uncomfortable around me, I understand. I have a habit of scaring members of the opposite sex off. I could make a fucking career out of it. -_- I'm just really confused and frustrated. I'm not mad at you, and I hope you're not mad at me.

I don't like to be kept in the dark. Just... tell me why you're avoiding me and be done with it. I miss you, and I hope you're well.

From: Josh
Date: 19 Feb 2008, 09:33


I am so sorry amber, u cought me at a bad time. I was hurt and looking to hurt. You placed yourself in a very tense situation that u did not belong in, and I was not in the right frame of mind to deal with everything properly. Please disregard anything I said. I was looking to make others feel as bad as me. I am so sorry for doing that.

From: Rosa
Date: 22/02/2008


Are you ever going to answer me as to why you've been avoiding me like the plague?

From: Josh
Date: 23/02/08


just for the record, you are the one who wants to know. I can't be there for you the way it seems u want me to. I can barely hold myself up, let alone someone else. You come on too strong for me, I'm sorry. I hope this doesn't offend you, I tried to let it drop but u wanted to know.



I'm not hurt, but extremely pissed off. Not that he 'rejected' me so to speak, but because that was the reason he was avoiding me. He wouldn't even give me a chance as a friend because he was afraid of my feelings. I've written back that I'm content with just being friends if he'd just give me a chance. However, he's a coward and will probably just continue to avoid me. Whatever.

New pirate avatar that I haven't named yet. One of Alanuviel's human forms. Will explain later.

I don't exactly know why, but I've been severely depressed the last few days. I've been tempted to take a knife and just slice my arm open. Just.... Shhffiiiink! slice it up... but I'm not that stupid.

So I've been trying to figure a way to get it out.

And I've decided that the best way to do that is to compose a song. I haven't written or played anything on the piano yet. I haven't thought of a damn thing. But I know that when it comes, it's gonna be a good one.

I need to let all my emotions out and art is not working. I can't draw anything near good right now. So I said fuck that and I'm just going to express myself through song.

I'm not a music major, but I know I can write good songs. I have before. Hardly anyone's seen any of the songs I've written. So nobody has to believe me that I can write anything anywhere near decent. But... oh well. If it makes me feel better, what the hell.

My dad can write songs. Really good songs. Maybe I can channel into his creative aura or something. lol

I feel like I'm going insane, kinda.

I had a breakdown about a couple weeks ago where I just cried and poured my heart out to my mom about how I just want to feel happy, how I'm afraid I'm going to hell, how I'm afraid I'll never be loved and how I just want to see Josh.

The only thing I know for sure that I need right now is a close relationship with God. I've drifted so far off the path of faith that I'm somewhere in the fucking woods, so to speak. But couldn't I also be in need of love? I feel like I need to use my heart, or it'll dry up. If you look up the lyrics to Vienna Teng's "Blue Caravan", that's... pretty much a song made just for me. Well, it isn't, but to me it feels like it.

These lines strike me especially:

For my true love is a man who never existed at all,
he was a beautiful fiction I invented to keep out the cold,
but blue, blue caravan I feel my heart growing old

That's what it feels like. Like my heart is growing old. I feel 50 years old emotionally.

I'm just ranting and rambling away right now. I'm typing so fast that I've only been typing for a couple minutes and already I've written/typed this much.

I need love. I need religion. I need lots of things... but most of all I need salvation. Whether it be spiritual, emotional or mental salvation, I need it.

The only thing tying my balloon of sanity to the ground is the play. It's my only real distraction right now.

I want to scream.

~Alice~

I have a fucking CELL PHONE! It's an AX8600 lime green LG. whooooooooot!

Also, I found the Retaliation CD on YouTube. It RULES.

Watch it. From the user DaneCookComedy. Do it.

~Alice~

"But Holmes..."
"No! If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times..."
"But Holmes, please..."
"That's MR. Holmes, to YOU!"

With an exasperated sigh, Alana backed away from Holmes' bedroom door and slumped onto the couch.

"I don't know why he won't let us in there. I mean," and here, Alana lowered her voice to a whisper, "I've read in the books that he has posters of criminals all over his walls. I can't tell him that's why we want in there, though, otherwise he'll get suspicious!"

Rixi looked up lazily from her newspaper she'd been perusing, her heavy lidded eyes lined extensively with eyeliner. She raised an eyebrow and then turned back to the paper but then folding it abruptly and placing it on the floor.

"Rixi..."

Rixi said nothing, but stood up and crossed the room to Holmes' bedroom door. With a sudden show of force, she kicked down the door, sending it flying into Holmes' room with him. Alana stared wide-eyed as Rixi walked calmly into the room, throwing a quick smirk at Alana before she did so.

"What the--"

Alana braced herself for the explosion. It came just as soon as anticipated.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?? You just broke my door!! What did you use, a sledgehammer? Of all the rude--"

"Oh, come on Holmes," Rixi sighed. "We just wanted to see your room--"

"SO YOU HAD TO KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR?"

"Actually I kicked it down..."

"YOU WHAT?"

Alana slowly crept around the corner as the tangle of voices inside the room became louder and louder, until finally, Holmes had shouted himself hoarse. Stepping into the room, with Holmes still complaining in a raspy voice, she surveyed the walls. Criminals on posters made up what would have been the wallpaper, covering every square inch of available space.

Rixi leaned against the wall casually, yawning.

"So Holmes, these are all criminals on your walls?" Rixi stared skeptically around the room with a lazy smile.

Holmes coughed before answering.

"If you must know, yes."

"Are these all criminals you've caught?" she asked.

"Heavens, no," Holmes laughed. "If I had caught all these..."

"So this is like, your own personal twisted harem?"

"Excuse me?"

Rixi straightened up and strolled over to Holmes and leaned down, so that her face was now directly in front of his.

"Holmes... do you sit in your room and masturbate to pictures of criminals? Does Jack the Ripper turn you on? Would you like to get freaky with Charlie Manson?"

"WHAT?! I--what are you saying... Charlie Manson?" Alana had never seen Holmes so flustered.

"GET OUT!!!!" Holmes roared.

"Fine, fine..." Rixi muttered. "Don't blame us for your strange fetishes..."

"JUST GET OUT!"

--------------------------------

Meh, I'm lazy. that's all for today XD